Monday, November 22, 2010

32 staples 13 screws 1 metal plate.

Haii kidz,

I know I haven't been posting much of late, my PC decided to shit itself and I'm a little low on do$H to be spending. So, I'm using [after much arguing] my mothers.

Time for a story?

7 months ago, I broke my leg. Skateboarding.
I could go into all sorts of detail, but in short, my leg was literally shattered.
This required 3 hours of intensive surgery and an undefined amount of time of recovery.
I say "undefined" because I am still not able to walk without a small limp, and I have yet to run.

Now, although broken bones aren't usually considered as life changing events, this is.

You don't know much about me so let me explain with this, yeah it's long ;]

I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth
You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic
Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you
So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation
The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself
Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet
Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?
Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time
Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived
Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home
I know you
You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you
They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive
You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well
You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens
Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred
But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection
Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up
For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you 

This is something I instantly relate to. It kind of feels just like life.
Yes, this does seem very much like a negative reading, but it doesn't point out that through all this it allows people like myself to find something, or someone to live for.. and that person is our lord jesus christ... LOL just kidding.

I found skateboarding.
It brought, nay, it was the happiness in my life.
And after 8 years or more of this wonderful thing in my life, it's been taken away.
Not by a parent, a friend, or anything else, but by myself.
I knew the risks I was taking from the very start.
So why do I feel so abandoned now?
Why do I feel like the one thing I truly love in my life has been  so viciously taken away?

It's been 7 months.
No jogging or running.
No answers to if it will ever get any better.
Almost constant dull pain.
And of course, no sKating.
How am I supposed to feel?